What to expect

"Expect the unexpected!" enthuses Shakin' Stevens. Apparently people don't know what the real Shakey is like on stage... Mind you if he decides to trade in This Old House for a cover of Rage Against the Machine's Killing in the Name Of, I'll be very disappointed.

Two days to go before getting onsite and it's always a good idea to start making mental notes about what you'd like to see and what you'll most probably miss cos you've passed out in the Jazz Field. This year the main controversy has concerned Jay-Z's appointment at the top of the Festival line-up. The 'CEO of Hip Hop' will play the headline gig on the Saturday night, something which annoyed Noel Gallagher, who presumably had also splashed £160 on a ticket. The lack of take-up for Glastonbury this year is more likely down to last year's wash-out and the raised cost of getting in. So if you're reading this in a few days time from the comfort of your own home while images of a sodden festival are beamed into your living room via BBC HD's pin-sharp loner-vision, then well done you.

Upon arrival at the festival you can mark all the stuff you want to see on the Guardian's pocket-sized guide. This is the festival equivalent of the Christmas Radio Times. You start to total up what can be seen, what can't, when you should sleep and when you're going to need cider. Somehow, we can't see the Hay brochure prompting such fevered timetabling. The guide is then strung about your neck or stuffed in to shorts. If you haven't lost it by Thursday lunchtime you're doing alright.

Oh, there's also the matter of where to camp (and we mean just camp - camping-it-up abandoned due to desertion of Lost Vagueness). If you're arriving any later than Thursday afternoon, then I'm sorry, if the site does flood and you're at the bottom of a hill prepare to SCUBA for your car keys. We also recommend cleaning your tent when you get home. Otherwise, if it's covered in mud, it will smell. Honestly, it will smell really, really bad.

Apart from all that, the important thing is to relax and enjoy yourself, it actually possible to read at Glastonbury, so why not take a long a book? One year I finished 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea and it remains one of my favourite books to this day. Another time I bought Umberto Eco's book on football and it only made sense at 5am while drinking the Brandy Coffee. Here's a top 5 of books to read in your wellies.

1. Glastonbury Festival Tales by Crispin Aubrey and John Shearlaw - read about the people whose footsteps you're following. Anecdotes, photos and more.
2. Ray Mears' Outdoor Survival Guide by Ray Mears - "I'll get that fire started, stand back!"
3. I'm with the Band: Confessions of a Groupie by Pamela Des Barres - Can't quite bring yourself to get it on with the Kings of Leon in a group sesh?... don't blame you. Why not live vicariously through the life of Pamela Des Barres instead?
4. King Arthur's Avalon by Geoffrey Ashe. Mythical fun. Thinking about it the Kings are three brothers and a cousin, so an orgy is pretty much out of the question...
5. The Old Testament by God et al. Contains unbeatable flooding advice. Actually, on reflection, that band are from the Deep South...