Glastonbury 2005 review

Glastonbury 2005
The weather hit us hard this year. As you’ll see flash flooding struck the festival just as the music was about to start. Sheer bloody misery. And yet, I dutifully stayed on, praying to all the gods under the trance tent for a miracle…




I couldn't believe it on Friday.



Woken up at 5:37am by a clap of thunder that would make the most hardened rock roadie look twice the rain hammered the top of my tent relentlessly. As I write this more rain is predicted for later this afternoon. It's quite exciting now I'm not in a field, a bit like being in Florida. But on that Friday morning as the dampness beneath me increased (careful now) it was a total two fingers up to the 120,000 party people who had spent the previous day dancing, getting pissed, familiarising themselves with the festival and getting more pissed.



Best of all on the Thursday we discovered the new Dance Village. They've scrapped the big tent and introduced two more bars (including after-hours disco and cocktails favourite the Pussy Palure) and two seperate dance tents. And the BIODOME. Where I fell asleep for a bit, such is the power of the Pear Cider.



Yeah, the Brothers Bar was still in full effect, including the better looking bar staff than the Workers Beer Company. The choice of music was not as good though it must be said and once that sound system starts up on the Jazz Stage you don't stand a chance. Also drinks related - the Crown had been moved to outside the Other Stage. The problem with this was that once the rain hit the whole area outside that stage became a huge quagmire. In the early morning it resembled the mud flats of Morecambe Bay, by the late afternoon it was like wading through brown copydex.



The Pyramid Stage faired better with only the front near the stage getting really churned (I hope you idiots with flags ruined your trainers) and a trench of mud appearing right next to the stage. Early on Sunday morning a JCB was employed to clear out the mud and the whole area was covered with hay. All in time for the Yeovil Town Band. Nice.



But by now you've all seen the pictures. Submerged tents, people dragging their ruined kit with a look of abject misery on their face, canoes ferrying people to the bar, Kate Moss with muddy wellies - a lovely weekend in the country, Withnail.



So as I truged past the queue for the Millets tent cursing the day I didn't buy shares in Eurohike I looked into the torrential rain and decided that someone didn't want us to have fun. As the Q Daily put it: 'CHEERS GOD!' But sod 'em, I'd paid the money and goddammit people were relying on me for this review. It was time to see some bands.



FRIDAY



THE FABRICS/THE SUBWAYS



Jazz Funk outfit the Fabrics were to have been my first port of call, but their tent had been carved in two by a particularly vicious lightning bolt. Not good. The whole Dance Village had been shut, they wouldn't even let my mate Joe (svengali-like mastermind behind the Fabrics) collect his equipment. Lockdown. The Pyramid Stage was just as bad. We all grimaced at the rain as the Subways' drum kit stared back at us unmoving. Occasionally a roadie stuck his walkie-talkie out, saw more lightning in the sky and shook his head. Eventually the kit was removed and the waiting continued. Then the rain stopped.



THE UNDERTONES



Holy crap, was that blue sky? The Undertones kicked off the music on the Pyramid Stage and considering the sad loss of John Peel were the perfect band to have done it. 'Jimmy Jimmy' came first and the crowd began to shout, clap and even shuffle a bit. 'Here Comes the Summer' was my favourite track that, had my feet not been cemented to the floor would have had me pogoing like crazy. 'Teenage Kicks' was, of course, dedicated to John Peel and completely kicked arse. Even my younger brother, Glasto virgin, agreed that seeing the Undertones do 'Teenage Kicks' was indeed 'hard to beat'. We were off!



A HIATUS TO THE JAZZ FIELD AND SOME MUCH NEEDED ALCOHOL LATER



STEWART LEE



Yeah, I saw him last time, but the guy's quality. I wish they'd bring back 'Fist of Fun':

"A man turned up at my door and said 'The Answer is Jesus. What's the question? I replied is it 'Born in 0 BC, what 'J'...'



FOUR POOFS AND A PIANO



I like these guys. Jonathan Ross showcases their talents well but they seem to enjoy interacting with a live audience. Even if some of the gay jokes went over the heads of some of the teenage audience. The only reason I understood some of the references was because of hanging out with too many Doctor Who fans. However great harmonies and enormous fun - "He's the Boogie-Woogie Bugle Boy from Company B!"



MORE AIMLESS WONDERING TO SEE THE STEPHEN FROST ALLSTARS LATER, ONLY TO BUMP INTO HIM IN THE JAZZ FIELD AND SUBSEQUENTLY DISCOVER THAT THE TENT HE WAS DUE TO PERFORM IN HAD COLLAPSED BECAUSE OF THE WEATHER



DOVES



This band bores me. Even the stuff I recognised like 'The Last Broadcast' seemed to be yanked out the Indie section and run through a DULL-O-MATIC 4000. They were slow. They thanked the audience for their continued support in a boring way. I could have easily drifted off to sleep no problem. In fact I wished I'd stayed in the tent rather than have sat through that. At least the last tune they played was a piano house tune harking back to their days as Sub Sub. Liked that bit at least.



THE KILLERS



YES! This is MUCH more like it. A Las Vegas four piece who do upbeat, well-crafted indie pop to perfection. Brandon Flowers came on stage in tux, looking every bit like he'd parachuted into the festival site straight from Vegas. They ripped into 'Somebody Told Me' first which had an already pumped crowd moving. The opening keyboards to 'Smile Like You Mean It' echoed beautifully around the Pyramid Stage to a rapturous response and 'Mr Brightside' blew away anything else that had been on that stage up to that point. A superb band that I can't wait to see again. I left before the end though because well, there was this guy on the Other Stage...



FATBOY SLIM



Beats International, The Mighty Dub Katz, Pizzaman and then eventually global success as Fatboy Slim, Norman Cook has continued to be leading figure on the dance music scene since the mid-90s when his e-influenced solution to everyday life 'Better Living Through Chemistry' put Skint Records on the map and suddenly everybody loved a 303. The following album 'You've Come A Long Way Baby' cemented his position and the party just continued. However since the death of the Superclubs dance music has taken a battering, even Norman's own pioneering sound of Big Beat had lost popularity (some journalists believed that the Rockefeller Skank was indeed the pinnacle and subsequent death of the genre) and there were many people criticising the fact that Norman should continue to punt his 'Big DJ' act around the country. Well, I'll tell you this, it's well worth it.



The intro was a long, long, time in the build up. I jostled to as to the front as I could get with my pint. Grabbing a pair of 3D glasses on the way for 'Palookavision', we waited. Kicking off with the opening to 'Praise You' the Other Stage was suddenly lit up by 9 huge video screens forming the back of the stage with Norman occuping an elevated DJ balcony in the centre. Dancers in short dresses and wellies came to the front of the stage, happily gyrating to the sound and we put our glasses on. Without warning every light became a smiley face. This is not me off my wazzock, this is a genuine step-forward in sunglasses technology. Gimmicky? Yeah, but then Big Beat was never a genre to shy away from crassness. '*****ing In Heaven', 'Star 69', 'Slash Dot Dash' all present and correct as well as Norman borrowing some other tunes for the mix. Witness the awesome breakdown of the Bangles 'Walk Like An Egyptian', the cheeky 'Seven Nation Army' bassline (The White Stripes were on the Pyramid Stage at that point), Mory Kante's Yeke Yeke (a fave of mine since forever)... all there. The crown whooped, jumped and gurned. Around 15 huge acid man bouncy balls got thrown into the audience. Some of the audience were then on the stage. 30 ordinary people cajoling the crowd on stage, mixing with the real dancers, while Norman walked among them having thrown his sampler into 'loop'. He genuinely looked like he was enjoying himself and I remember thinking 'god I want his job'. The Beats were still well and truly Big. Awesome.



SATURDAY



I awoke early again and decided I needed more money. This required me to queue for TWO AND A HALF HOURS for £20 at ONE MACHINE (there was a bank of three, only one was working, no-one seemed to know why) that then CHARGED ME TWO QUID FOR THE PRIVILEGE. If I had one request of the Glasto committee it would be to get this sorted for 2007. Next time, take more money I guess, but honestly... So it was a very grumpy John that finally made it to the Pyramid Stage for the final tune by...



HAYSEED DIXIE



I'd really wanted to see these guys' whole set, being a fan of the old rock music. Luckily the tune I did catch what was a superbly bluegrass 'Highway to Hell'. Banjos a-go-go they look liked extras from 'Deliverence' but sounded like they'd been clasically trained in the Deep South. Great fun, so pissed off I didn't see more of them.



ANOTHER TRIP OVER TO THE JAZZ FIELD TO TOUCH BASE AND GET SOME FORTIFICATION



GOLDIE LOOKIN' CHAIN



"You *****in' knows it! Bob Marley's going to be on this stage later as well as Coldpatrol or Snowplay, but now let's have a GLC party!"



There's something so wonderfully energetic about the GLC that makes me wish I was up on stage jumping, drinking and swearing with them. They seemed to love being up on stage, never seen so many swearwords and drug references on the Pyramid before, but ultimately no-one cared. Hits were all performed 'Guns Don't Kill People', 'You Know I Loves You Baby', 'Your Mother's Got A Penis' not to mention my personal favourite 'Rollerdisco'. They put a smile on my face which, considering that by that point I was thinking of the fuel-air bomb option for Pilton, was something.



KAISER CHIEFS



The biggest gig for the Chiefs to date saw lead singer Ricky Wilson attack it with the relish of man who knows his band have made it to the top. 'Everyday I Love You Less and Less' was hammered out with the crowd screaming along. Wilson got dragged into the crowd. A riot was indeed predicted and an inflatable dinosaur got pulled on to the stage. Wilson leaped and bounced around the stage and just seemed to love it. Which made me love it too! 'Oh My God' is a great single and I yelled it at the top of my voice like I have for so many other weeks down Ramshackle on a Friday. For the Kaiser Chiefs 'Everything was brilliant at Glastonbury'.



THE MOMENT



Supposedly the kick in the arse Live8 was looking for, Sir Bob Geldof came on stage and urged people to join hands in order to Make Poverty History. I would have... but it would have meant putting my pint down. You see Glastonbury is... political. Five days of debauched fun and frolics aside, you do get rammed down your throat all manner of big causes. The four main culprits are Oxfam, Greenpeace, Water Aid and the CND. Now don't get me wrong, all these charities are a GOOD THING and the world is a better place for their existence, but it does get a bit wearing after a while. Between bands on the Pyramid Stage you get short films playing. These range from the vomit inducing kids singing to 'Drop the Debt' to the ultra sexy, fight-the-power pop promos of Greenpeace, saving whales, base-jumping, clashing with cops all to the New Radicals 'Get What You Give'. Fair enough you might say, but some of their activites are a) extremely dangerous and b) illegal and you could argue that the video is in some way highly irresponsible. Even more so was the CND recruitment brochure doing the rounds that said basically contained LIES concerning the dropping of the atomic bomb on Hiroshima (stating it was unnecessary, Japan were about to surrender anyway). I just hope impressionable teenage minds will discover the truth for themselves instead of read that rubbish. Right, rant over...



ASH



Legend alert time then. Ash were one of Britpop's biggies (despite being Irish) and have continued to survive well into this decade. Tim Wheeler's four-man faithful pitched out beautifully the pop records that have made the band such a hit. 'A Life Less Ordinary', 'Sometimes', 'Girl From Mars' and 'Goldfinger' all got an airing as well as the tune I still like to play when DJing 'Kung Fu'. Tim thrashed his guitar, Charlotte positively spanked hers while Mark rocked out on the bass. Plus a 'Teenage Kicks' cover dedicated to you know who. A great band that brought back some great memories for me. Another to see again.



ECHO & THE BUNNYMEN



So Echo was the drum machine! So much for me and my research, trudging over to the Other Stage (was that Swamp Thing?) I knew that I had to see this band if only to confirm that they were worthy of the status they garnered. Ian McCulloch smoked and occasionally danced his way through a pretty cool set of psychedilia and shoe gazing. My favourite was the last tune they played 'The Cutter'. And Will Sergeant's hair is still indie personified.



NEW ORDER



Of course when you're watching an act that you genuinely believe is one of the greatest bands in the history of the known universe you tend to get a bit biased. So I apologise in advance but...



THEY ROCKED!



Albeit in a kind of 'if we can keep this together for the next 40 mins we'll have got away with it' way. Barney was quite chatty, as was Hooky, Stephen pounded the drums like there was no tomorrow, his head permenantely cocked in the way it has been for 25 years. Here's your tracks then: 'Crystal', 'Regret', 'Waiting for the Sirens Call', 'Love Vigilantes', 'Bizarre Love Triangle', 'Jetstream' (complete with Ana Matronic from Scissor Sisters), 'Krafty', 'True Faith' ("This one has a groove and if you don't like a groove you can ***** off!"), 'Temptation' - representing Joy Division a truly amazing version of 'Transmission' and for John Peel 'Love Will Tear Us Apart' - prompting the funniest moment of the festival:



HOOKY: This is for John Peel

(the band begin 'Love Will Tear Us Apart')

BARNEY: Stop, stop!

(Hooky's broken a guitar string)

HOOKY: I bet John Peel's up there pissing himself.



They finished the whole thing off with 'World in Motion' which was just great to jump with a crowd shouting 'ENG-GER-LAND!' (complete with Keith Allen). But then - NO! - they ran out of time and there was no 'Blue Monday' - DENIED. A shame as it would have been the best performance of the festival. Still amazing to finally see some of my heroes live though. 9/10 - one point dropped for not finishing the set. And so they gave way to...



COLDPLAY



"Crazy Frog: Where are you now?!" so said Chris Martin during 'Speed of Sound'. You see I never knew Martin was so funny. I had fully expected to go to this gig expecting to hate the guy, but slowly it dawned on me that the way to success, money and women was to write a few ballads, something Martin admits (my album will be out later this year folks - look out James Blunt! ). Coldplay took a gentle stroll through their hits, all great tunes, sure, if not the insane rocking one would hope for on a Saturday night. As the biggest band on the planet outside perhaps of U2, Coldplay looked confident and assured, despite Martin cocking-up the start to one song. 'Clocks' was hammered out as a rock-tastic finale with Martin's chin getting ever closer to the keyboard of the piano, almost like he needs glasses. They finished by playing a cover of 'Can't Get You Out Of My Head' by Kylie as a tribute to Glasto 2005's fallen Pop Princess. Coldplay weren't my favourite act this year, but they did a brilliant set and proved their worth. Endearing.



SUNDAY



Once again I wussed out of Saturday's late night activities to rest my weary feet (I'm getting old) and watched the clean-up of the Pyramid Stage in the morning. I mused that I hadn't spent much time hanging out with the Other Stage this year, whereas other years I'm there a lot. But the line-up wasn't my cup of tea this year. So what had gone wrong? The atmosphere? The weather? The twats who insist on stopping suddenly while walking along a busy pathway? Probably all three. Would Sunday raise my spirits? Luckily, it just about did.



THE YEOVIL TOWN BAND



Any band that plays the 'Imperial March' from the 'Empire Strikes Back', immediately gets my vote as a great way to kick off a gig. The band, resplendent in their smart uniforms drummed out Broadway hits, 'Ticket to Ride', 'Pomp and Circumstance Number 1', 'The Way to Amarillo' and 'The Muppet Show Theme'. A great way to kick off your Sunday morning.



BELLYDANCE SUPERSTARS & THE DESERT ROSES



The guy who drums his bongos in an amazing way smiles like he really enjoys his job. It's not hard to see why. The lithe, sultry, sensual dancers of the Bellydance Superstars performed an X-Rated show on Pyramid for a Sunday morning, but it was well worth sticking about for... Phwoarr!



SOULWAX



Sadly some schedling genius put these guys in their form as '2ManyDJs' up against Basement Jaxx so I trooped over to the Other Stage to see them there in their 'band mode'. Unfortunately by that point I was knackered from having packed-up my tent (I decided to leave on the Sunday night, I'd had enough) and kept falling asleep. Sorry, lads. I'll do better next time. Be at the front, promise.



THE FABRICS



The Fabrics play a scat-riddled, jazz funk set with big keyboards and Alex Lydiate's vocals pitching and falling all over the shop. I like it... but I prefer it when Joe and his frankly insane drummer just do the drum & bass stuff. However, if it is your bag then go see the Fabrics if they're playing near you - go! Go!



BRIAN WILSON



Last year we got Macca and so the Beach Boys decided to get even. Even though Wilson's not a young man anymore this was a great gig, energetic and light. He played loads of great Beach Boys stuff (I wasn't so familar with the solo bits and pieces) and especially loved the encore of 'Barbara Ann', 'Help Me Rhonda' 'Surfin USA' and 'She'll Have Fun, Fun, Fun'. This was also the most crowded I'd ever seen the Pyramid Stage area as Brian was enjoyed by young and old alike. Good times, good set, good vibrations.



GARBAGE



Yay! A guilty pleasure of mine, Garbage were great. I still love Shirley Manson, even though she'd prbably eat me for breakfast. From making sure the crowd were having a good time, to humping a sex doll for 'Why Do You Love Me?' Shirley and the band rocked out in a way that only an experienced act like themselves can do. They dedicated 'Push It' to Brian Wilson for his letting them sample the Beach Boys on it and whipped the crowd into a frenzy with 'Only Happy When It Rains'. 'Stupid Girl' was there too - marvellous, really, really enjoyed it.



PRIMAL SCREAM



What is Bobby Gillespie's problem? Clearly off his face, he launched attacks on Basement Jaxx, spat on cameras, was an arsehole to the stage crew and just generally behaved like a ****. Which is a shame. You see, I love a lot of Primal Scream's output and danced my arse off to 'Kill All Hippies', 'Rocks', 'Swastika Eyes' and 'Jailbird', but the more and more I thought about the gig the more it left a sour taste in my mouth. Mani was gurning so badly he was going to chew his own face off (even down to playing the bass riff to the Jackson 5's 'I Want You Back' as the band were told to get off stage), but at leats he wasn't abusive. Being rock and roll means attitude, it doesn't mean behaving like a spoilt c***.



BASEMENT JAXX



However - "Don't Worry! Don't Panic!"



This was a spectacular show, an exercise in good performance. It was funny, soulful, funky and, as the Basement women pointed out "***** that's Bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S!" They kicked off with 'Good Luck', instantly erasing the sour taste of Gillespie's antics and pounded through their best hits. Highlights included a guitar laced version of 'Rendevous', a powerful mix of 'Romeo'. 'Red Alert' was elevated to the classic status it always deserved. They ALSO covered 'Can't Get You Out of My Head' turning into a soul record. 'Where's Your Head At?' was incredible and for the encore they brought on a full Brazillian drumming band to launch into 'Bingo Bango'. It was an awesome end to a good festival.



But it wasn't that great. At least not for me. Again it's difficult to put my finger on any one thing. My spirits were dampened, even crushed maybe by the weather and the ensuing welly wearing, but overall it just felt a bit flat this time. I'm glad next year is a year off. Hopefully come 2007 I'll be 'up for it' a bit more. However no huge highs this year (with the exception perhaps of the Fatboy and New Order) and no real 'wow' moments.



Maybe I'll have better luck in 2007